'My husband's cancer made me appreciate him more'

I think in many ways, Tony having cancer made me appreciate what I had, and made me scared that I was going to lose it. I think that we’d always, because we’re such different people, coasted along together, just sort of side by side. And I don’t think that’s changed really. There hasn’t been a huge difference in how we relate to each other.

It made me value what I had more because I don’t think I’d ever given a great deal of thought to the next day or the next year or what was going to happen to our relationship, possibly because we are so different. So, when there was a possibility it might end, it made me massively re-evaluate. At the time it was all happening though, I couldn’t really allow myself to think too deeply about it. I just got through the days. And I remember feeling like an ice road trucker! I felt as if I had to drive the lorry to the other side of the river before the ice melted.

My coping strategies

Once the treatment was over, then I could allow myself to think about what had happened. During Tony’s treatment I had these weird little coping strategies. When I went swimming, I had to have a break every five lengths for the first few weeks of his treatment. Then I’d have a break every ten, and when he made it home, I’d have a break every twenty lengths. So, I was kind of superstitious.

I was extremely busy because I was working as an actress and voiceover artist, and filming at the same time, whilst trying to be with Tony in hospital as much as possible and having the kids at home. But I think we only had one row, which is unusual for us! Tony is generally grumpy, but for some reason he hadn’t been whilst he was in hospital, he’d been lovely. After the argument, I remember going down to Macmillan, crying, and the nurse telling me that, of course he had every right to feel angry, but that I also had the right to tell him it wasn’t ok to snap at me.

I think we communicated well most of the time, however, which I know a lot of people going through this can’t. The person with cancer can’t talk about how they’re feeling to their partner because they don’t want to worry them, and vice versa. There’s a lot of bravery within families during times like this, with everybody holding it together for everyone else. I feel like Tony and I talked a lot.

I worry more than Tony does

I worried more than him, and still worry more about the impact it had on the kids. Tony thinks they appear to be coping with it well, but you can never be 100% sure. They were immensely supportive when he was in hospital, but I think it made Morgan very anxious, which he still is, and he worries about Tony in a way he never used to.

I do remember having a conversation with the boys when Tony had been diagnosed, so I think we recall events differently. I think the kitchen conversation he had with them came later. As I remember, I told Spencer because he’d been out skateboarding and I blurted it out on the street, which was a stupid thing to do. He went straight back to skateboarding, but ten minutes later turned up at the front door in tears. And I still feel bad to this day that we told Morgan, in his final year of university, over the phone.

Supporting each other

I think it’s when the treatment is finished that the impact is felt on the relationship. You have to be strong whilst it’s happening, but weirdly, once Tony got the all-clear, I went under. I expected to feel overjoyed, but I just had a feeling of emptiness. And, strangely, that was when he was strong, considering he was the one who had been through it. After that, he went through a period when he was very angry about his lack of ability to swallow and eat – that was a very dark time. And anger can be harder to deal with than when someone deals with the situation internally. But what was so good about being in a relationship was that we could support each other at different times.

We decided to get married following Tony’s cancer, after being together for thirty years. We had realized how fragile life was and we’d been through so much as a family we wanted a happy occasion to celebrate with our family and friends. Love for each other is what makes life worthwhile...

Tony and Susie have been together for 36 years, married for six. They live in Stoke Newington, North London, with their son, Spencer. Tony was diagnosed in 2016 with Stage 4 throat and neck cancer and had chemotherapy and radiotherapy. He previously told his story in our Mission Humanity section under Building Relationships.

Susie writes for the BBC website about their wedding: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-45992816#.