Going backwards

I took felt like you, i was anxious all the time , spent so much time crying and feeling really down , I didnt know where my emotions came from , and my fear of recurrance took over my every day life .I was advised by a physio that I needed help , I never thought that would be me , a stong confident person , but it was !! I was put in touch with a councillor and after 12 sessions of pouring it all out , I suddenly could move forward and began to feel like me again .It really worked for me and today im not sure id have moved on at all without that amazing lady.Hope you soon begin to feel you can go forward .Its an emotional roller coaster , My Masectomy was last Sep so a year on too for me .Xxx

Hi Christina

Thanks for your kind words, I think the biggest struggle is that this isn't me (an emotional crying heap of hankies) I don't recognise myself. I keep hoping it'll get better, the feeling of fear seems to grow as time goes on! Thank you for your advice on getting help, I think I may consider that, I wasn't sure it worked but sounds like it has been successful for you.

Fiona xxx

Hi Fiona 

I can really empathise with your concerns regarding a potential reoccurrence of your condition , it is something that is probably the most common worry for many of us post treatment. It is certainly not easy to get past those thoughts that things may come back again. I have found one of the best ways to deal with it is to engage in activity that has nothing to do with illness..  

You most certainly are not going backwards, think about what you have achieved in your treatment journey.. I’ve been in this process for a few years now but realise that a day when the treatment stops may or may not ever come . How you mentally deal with that is individual to you for sure. Getting help seems to work really well for many people wether it’s a formal councillor situation or the great but very informal Maggies Centre type chat I guess trying different approaches can be valid. 

I consolidated my options quite early on in the treatment and realised that actually I was now living a completely different life to the one I had before diagnosis. Once I started to think in a positive way as to how that new life would shape up and thought about what I could do and what new adventures may unfold I hankered less and less for the old me . 

Everyone is different but personally for me ,the new leaner version who staggered out of the hospital bed blinking in the sunlight of a brave new world of change and possibilities was a person I was excited to get to know. 

I made some key decisions during the first few weeks of remission, the biggest and scariest without doubt was that I allowed my job professional registration to lapse.I did that so I wouldn’t be tempted to go back into my old life without having to requalify. It was really liberating to step off the work merry go round, no more stress to deal with. 

Financially the uncertainty is difficult, but then when you have come so close to losing everything, your health is really all that actually matters. 

I reconnected with my love of exercise, in helping recovery it can’t be underestimated just how important doing something you enjoy for it’s own sake helps to keep your mind occupied. Physical exertion is obviously done at a pace that works..The form it takes is irrelevant, I started out post treatment not being able to walk fifty metres from the house before coming back .. It took many months of positive persistence to achieve small walk goals, which eventually translated into getting on a bicycle and setting more goals to achieve. 

Exercise isn’t for everyone, but doing some kind of positive thing in your life is a great way to progress through the most difficult phase you will no doubt ever face. 

The new me is unrecognisable from the person I was before my initial Acute lymphoblastic leukaemia diagnosis in March 2016. But on reflection I am really rather enjoying life for its own sake at the moment. 

No certanties exist for anyone regardless of a cancer diagnosis or not. I find no benefit in dwelling on the past, rather I  take the state of remission as a start point for life . How many people get that unique opportunity in their allotted time ? 

I really hope you are able to work through what may seem like many obstacles, but you will get to a point where cancer no longer consumes your thoughts or life , it has already had enough of your time and energy, get a unique strategy that works for you that doesn’t allow it to have any more of the finite resource of your time and life. 

Regards 

Scott 

I now use Facebook to keep friends and family up to date with progress, it gives another view to consider if you wish to connect feel free .. Scott Davies  from Nottingham

Hi Scott,

Thank you for your post yesterday. I woke yesterday crying, tired and frustrated with all I have been through and still going through with treatment but last night I went to bed much more positive after your post and the post from Christina.

You are right cancer has had enough of my time and I need to find the strength to park it and move on. I called Macmillan yesterday for help and they recommended Mission Remission, I'm very glad they did.

This morning I am stronger than yesterday.

Day 1 of looking forward... 

Kind regards

Fiona

Hi Fiona 

So pleased you have thought about your unique situation and actually starting with Day 1 of looking forward is a fantastic start point. Drawing a line under the past is a great way to move forward.  

Good luck with your future steps. Each day looks different and will present varied challenges, but it seems like you are in a positive position to meet those challenges. 

Remission is a wonderful opportunity to continue your life journey don’t let any negative thoughts convince you otherwise.

Scott  

Day 2

Thanks again for your support Scott, had a really good day yesterday with aqua aerobics (showing my age I think it's called pool fitness challenge now) ? and even discovering my fridge is broken with the cats insulin stored within I coped! Decided everytime cancer thoughts enter my head to push them straight out and plan birthdays, holidays or deciding what I want to do for a job. So far, so good, roll on day two! 

Kind Regards

Fiona

Wow ! Go you ! 

Day 2 small steps that are making a visible difference to you. 

Loving the strategy of just pushing the cancer stuff out of your mind. I still do that very regularly.. I will be doing something often somewhere random on say a Wednesday afternoon and some negative thoughts start to swirl . I stop what I’m doing and think about  what positive things I can consider to replace them. 

The exercise activity is also a fantastic antidote to negativity.. When your heart gets racing and those endorphins get released it’s so easy to focus on the situation at hand . 

I’m a cyclist since diagnosis, the great thing about that is you need to concentrate on the task to the exclusion of anything else from a purely practical viewpoint . My bikes tyres are only an inch wide so any lapse will see me chewing the tarmac very quickly and for someone with low platelets that’s not a good place to be. 

Keep the focus for Day 3 embrace whatever comes along . Stay focused on your aims. It certainly isn’t easy but you are definitely taking steps in the right direction.. 

Scott