'I deserve to live the life I want'

I feel as if I have so much I want to share that I’ve learned over the past three years about both my inner and outer worlds and if what I write here helps one person to hold themselves in a safe and loving place, or gives hope when things feel dark, then I will have achieved something. With the full understanding that my journey won’t necessarily reflect anyone else’s.

The first thing I would like to share is a quote from a page I follow on Instagram @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e which I feel captures the essence of my recovery so far.

Your energy is guided by the:

People you surround yourself with.
The way you spend your time.
The books you read.
The food you eat.
The words you speak to yourself.
The movement you take.
The rest you prioritise.
The work you do on yourself.
The self-forgiveness you encourage.
The boundaries you set.
The way in which you show up for yourself.

I received a diagnosis of Grade 1, Stage 1a endometrial cancer in February 2022, and underwent a radical hysterectomy with no adjuvant treatment required. I feel, however, my challenges had begun a significant number of years before this in menopause. During the pandemic in 2020, I started to struggle with anxiety/overwhelm, and a greater awareness of my physical and mental wellbeing began in earnest.

Protecting my energy became vital

Since the diagnosis, and subsequent suspected thyroid cancer diagnosis when I was 62 and 63 respectively, I have developed a deep instinct that I need to protect my own energy at all costs. Given we all only have a certain amount of energy, at the time of my initial diagnosis my body and mind were in what I now understand to be survival mode. For the first time in my life, I seemed to know what was best for me and I realised I had become acutely aware of other people’s energy.

Now, some two years later, I understand that what I perceive about the energy others bring into my world is all about the meaning I give to it. In the same way I assign meaning to all my thoughts and feelings, I get to choose the type of energy I want to live my life around, and now I will always choose it to be a loving energy that is grounded in respect and acceptance of who I am growing to be. DAWN QUOTE 1

Cancer has brought much into my life

Cancer sucks and nobody deserves it! I know I didn’t do anything to cause my cancer. However, I equally know I am the one responsible for ensuring I do my very best to show up for myself at all times. I’m content my recovery will continue at the pace it is meant to as I learn more about myself. Whilst having cancer sucks, it has equally brought so much into my life that I am truly grateful for. I’ve also met people who I can’t praise highly enough for their ongoing support. They have all helped me find my way to where I am today.

Now, at 64, having gone through my initial diagnosis and surgery, another suspected diagnosis of thyroid cancer and a significant family emotional trauma, I know I have grown into a very different version of me. One that is more attuned with who I was meant to be, and my growth is leading me towards a profound sense of freedom and peace which I have never felt before. For the first time in my life, I truly feel safe, enough just as I am, and loved by myself and others. I am equally committed to keep growing and enjoying the life I have been gifted for as long as I am blessed with it.

I feel I understand now what my Macmillan counsellor meant when we talked at length about Post Traumatic Growth. I recognise, however, that we are all on our own journey through life and that the best way forward for me won’t necessarily be the same for anyone else – or even stay the same for myself forever. All any of us truly have is this one single moment in time and recognising that has helped me massively reduce my stress load. DAWN QUOTE 2

Moving on with my recovery

Putting myself first was the most important thing in helping me move on with my recovery and, in doing so, I have become more self-aware; developed self-trust and self-worth, progressed my self-development; and practices of self-care.

Self-aware – conscious of what triggers my symptoms physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned so much about how our nervous system, metabolic and hormonal health works, alongside how beliefs and attachments are formed and how they can help and hinder us in our recovery. I more actively choose when and how I want to engage with others as opposed to “fitting” in with others’ needs. I know I need to protect my own energy first in order to be able to be fully present for anyone else. I now understand how much agency we have in our own health and wellbeing. For example, my priorities after surgery were for my physical recovery so I made sure I researched scar recovery, pelvic health, and exercises to do daily to build my strength back up. Walking and being in nature were incredibly important to me at this time, especially accompanied by friends and family.

Self-trust – I have a deep belief that I deserve to live the life I want and am so grateful I have the means, support, and desire to enable me to keep learning and growing. I am now able to validate and accept my thoughts and emotions as valid, no matter what they are. I also take time to look a little deeper within myself as to whether they still ring true for me at this point in my life with the experiences I have had recently. Some things which once felt important I find now no longer are. Equally I know too that every single one of my thoughts and feelings will pass if I sit with them for a while and I will make the progress I am meant to do. Learning this was especially important while dealing with scanxiety and the uncertainty surrounding my suspected thyroid cancer. Sometimes it’s enough to just sit and breathe. I will always be grateful to Dani Binnington @healthywholeme for the help she gave me and @breathpod for their excellent teachings on breathwork.

Self-development – this had always been an area of interest for me but, like many of us, I had held onto unhealthy perfectionist tendencies developed in my childhood. However, my willingness to learn has helped me to develop my own holistic toolkit for health and wellbeing. I did a Life After Cancer Intention Setting Workshop which really helped me to look forwards. I follow social media pages, listen to podcasts, and read books that align with where I want to be in life.

Self-care – has become a priority for me physically, mentally, and spiritually. In the past I have been incredibly self-reliant but now know that in order to survive and thrive after a cancer diagnosis it takes a team of people. It’s ok to have needs, having needs makes us human. We have to take responsibility for putting our team together and advocating for ourselves, building the community that is right for us. From a holistic point of view, exercising my body became a focus for me alongside re-evaluating my nutrition, with daily movement spread between weight training, stretching, Pilates reformer, yoga, and rebounding.

Self-worth – I now realise that I deserved to live the life I want, and am beginning to feel joy, despite all the uncertainty and heartache of the past few years. Letting go of the debilitating fears leaves space for something new to evolve – maybe even yet another version of me! I find journaling an excellent tool and I also work with a local therapist who uses massage to help with blocked energy stored in our bodies. After all, we can only ever meet ourselves, and others, where we are at.

I wanted to finish by sharing a poem which resonates so deeply with me in this part of my journey.

Darling, it’s not about whether they love you this year.

It’s about you loving yourself.

It’s not about whether they listen to you this year.

It’s about listening to yourself.

And taking the time to check in.

It’s not about whether they get you or support you this year.

It’s about you getting yourself and finally letting yourself be.

Yes, supporting and encouraging yourself.

Be your own friend, your own love.

Give yourself the attention you seek.

Stand up for you.

Show up for you.

Look out for you.

Look into you and you will never feel the need to look outside of you again.

@butterfliesandpebbles

Dawn is 64, married with two children, two grandchildren, and a cute Frenchie called Poppy. She is a city girl born and bred in Sheffield, but has lived in North Yorkshire for 24 years beside the sea. She was diagnosed with Stage 1, Grade 1a endometrial cancer two years ago and had radical hysterectomy surgery. She retired from playing hockey ten years ago and now keeps fit by gardening, walking, yoga and pilates.

These proved invaluable:

Macmillan counsellor.
Peaches Trust: a womb cancer charity, who hold monthly coffee mornings online.
Dani Binnington: founder of charity, Menopause and Cancer. After diagnosis, I was overwhelmed with all the information I had gathered about cancer recovery, nutrition, exercise, sleep, hormones, etc, and Dani advised me to ‘take my foot off the pedal’ and to just sit with my feelings for a while. I also began her Empowered Menopause programme, and even agreed to be a guest on her podcast – something I would never have done before my cancer diagnosis!
Herbalist Melinda McDougall has helped me to restore my body and mind to a better balance.